Wedding Fails
Posted on February 4th, 2010
Pictured Above: The Citrus Reamer
While attempting to get our wedding registry together, the pulsating consumerist mass that is Bed, Bath, & Beyond attempted to kill me by exploiting my most glaring weakness: my immaturity. The Citrus Reamer? Really? I still build little, Lego spaceships for God's sake. I play video games in my underwear on most weekends and contemplate in what situations Batman might lose in a fight. Don't toy with me with your fruit sodomizing devices. I can't handle that on any adult level and maintain a sense of composure. I throw out "that's what she said" like if I do it enough[1] I might be awarded some kind of giant cardboard check. Are you trying to give me an embolism here?!
Pictured Above: The (d)Rapery Rod
Also, a note to all the junior designers and typographers out there. If you're going to use a leading accent character, make sure the text still retains cohesiveness when viewed from different angles, distances, and lighting. Otherwise you might find people in shock of "Rapery Rods" hanging in innocent suburban shopping malls all over the country. Maybe keep the styles a little more even-kilter? A calligraphic typeface paired with a sans-serif, monospaced looking thing isn't going to cut it. Thanks for pointing out that the rapery rod is adjustable though. That's just good marketing.
REJECTED: Best Man Biography
Dayna asked me to submit a small bio for my Best Man, Matt LeClaire, for the wedding site. I thought long and hard[2] to capture the essence of just what exactly made Matt the shining beacon of human excellence as I knew him to be. It was no small task and once I thought I had finally nailed down the subtleties of his character, she promptly rejected my final copy. You may find it reprinted with uncompromised fidelity below:
Best Man - Matthew LeClaire
Matthew Del Rio Le Clarie IIX migrated to this country as a poor, Chinese woman eight centuries ago. In only a few short years, he graduated with a degree in Chemical something or other which he uses this very day to support his part-time Catering job and video game addiction. He can be found most days riding his raptor out to meet the tides of undead which besiege the ethereal plain of Kalmookdor. He has chest hairs and a Beagle. Actually, that isn't true. He does not own a Beagle.
-And I Thought I Was Being Helpful, Simon Willems
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